The craziness I call my life...

16 weeks tomorrow!

2005-04-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

I know it's been awhile since I've written... Ooops. Since my last post, we've been able to hear the heartbeat on multiple occassions, met my doctor, and scheduled a 3D ultrasound for next Thursday!

But, I jump ahead... let me start with the heartbeat(s). :)
I was so nervous about if this baby was growing and progressing properly, I went out online and rented a doppler heartbeat monitor. It's basically the same as they use in the doctor's office, but a little bigger, and probably not as high tech as theirs. However, I was able to find the heartbeat the first time after only 5 minutes of searching!! The beat was strong and FAST! 170-180 bpm. But, I was early too, so it's going to be faster in the beginning. A few weeks later, we listened to it again, and it was about the same. But the next time, I thought I heard 2 heartbeats!! That following week, we saw my doc, and since I had made the mistake of telling her that we had already heard it, she only put it on there for a couple seconds. At that time, the beat was 165 bpm. When I heard 2, I thought I heard one at 160-170 bpm and another one at 150-160 bpm. DH says I'm nuts, but the way I'm growing so big so fast, I wouldn't be surprised if I was carrying twins.

Meeting my doc was also a nice experience. I like her, she seems good, and kind. She's ok with walking around before birth, using the birthing ball, etc. to reduce pain, and I'm all for that. I would like to be able to do this naturally, but I'm not opposed to using drugs if need be.

Our u/s is scheduled for April 21, at 4 pm. We're doing the 3D because that's what DH wants, and I'm ok with it since it means getting one earlier than my 21st week! I really hope we can see the sex that day, but I am not getting my hopes up since I won't yet be 17 weeks along. They say the optimum time is between weeks 18-20. But maybe our baby is more advanced! :)

OK, all for now... I'll return after the first u/s and let you know how it went!

2nd Doc's appt today

2005-03-01T05:08:00.000-08:00

Whoever said that being pregnant is a breeze obviously wasn't carrying this child! Yes, I'm already a bad parent - to DH, I call her a parasite... only in love, of course. My body is not my own right now, and as much as it's interesting to think there's a new life growing inside me, it makes me sick - literally! For 9 weeks now, I've been nauseous, having heartburn, extremely tired, and more finicky than normal. DH asks me what I want for dinner but nothing sounds good. Problem is, if I don't eat, I get sick later in the evening, and if I do eat, I have to be careful or else I feel sick later in the evening. It's a never ending battle... although they say it will get better after week 12... We'll see!

Today is my second doctor's appt. I think it's mainly to go over blood work, but I know they are going to weigh me, and I'm terrified of how much I've gained in the last 2 weeks. I'm definitely bigger... but I can't help eating what makes me feel better... CARBS! I've been eating potatos, bread, pudding, pasta (no red sauce though), drinking milk like there's no tomorrow, and crackers. Lord, I should have bought stock in Saltines!!!

The good news is I'm not getting constipated like some of the other women are. My prenatal vitamins have a stool softner, which I'm sure is helping. Gotta love fiber right now!!!

My mom and I had a nice talk the other day - she said when the baby (parasite!) is born, she is willing and planning on giving me three weeks of her time!!! Oh thank goodness!!! I told DH and he said how wonderful that is that she can do that. I asked him if he minded her staying with us and he said by all means she should (even though she lives 30 miles away). At least I didn't have to fight with him about that!

I also had a wonderful talk with my grandfather this past Saturday. There's a lot of history behind his and my relationship, so suffice it to say we've never been close. Well, I plan on changing that. I know it's late in his life, he's 96, but better late than never. He's doing excellent (for 96), and I'm hoping that my visits to him will keep him alive long enough to meet his great grandchild. He's never met his other one, since my sister has decided to act like he doesn't exist. Again, more history... At any rate, I was so happy to spend the afternoon with him this past Saturday, and I think he was happy too. I'm already planning my next visit for a week from this Saturday.

Well, I guess I should get back to work... there's another time when all I feel is sick... and yet I keep eating saltines... I wish I was in my 13 week already!!!

Happy F***ing Valentine's!

2005-02-14T10:45:00.000-08:00

I'll admit it - I had hoped DH would have done something for V-day, even though I know he doesn't celebrate it. We've had the discussion before where I say he has no romantic bone in his body, and he tells me he does, he just has never thought of me wanting that. Hello - I'm female!!! While all my co-workers get flowers, what do I get?? I get a verbal spanking. I'm so mad at DH right now I can barely think straight.

It started this morning, with him writing me that he was going to tell people at work about us being pg. I said fine. He then wrote me and told me he only told Tawnya, (his work girlfriend) the woman that I don't particularly care for due to their close relationship. (It seems a little too personal for just co-workers.) Anyway, Tawnya has had 2 m/c's, so he told her to ask her opinion on whether or not he should tell everyone else since I'm only 7 weeks. She said she would wait until I show. This doesn't bother me in the least, and I really don't care about when DH tells his work people. However, once he told Tawnya, he may as well tell everyone else, since she's the gossip at the office. I told him that, and he agreed. So far, everything's fine. Then I get an email from DH asking for my FF chart address. I ask him who he's going to show that too, since it's personal stuff, and he told me Tawnya! I wrote him and told him that I wasn't comfortable with that given the way I feel about the two of them. It was too personal for him to be sharing with her. He wrote me back this:

"I think you are missing the point. She is trying to get pregnant. I am a friend. I thought I would let her know what the web site could do for her....
I wont send her the link. and I can't believe you put that in a work email..."

So I sent this back to him:

"I don't know what you mean about this: "I can't believe you put that in a work email", but how am I supposed to know what you are talking to her about? If you want to send her the link, send her this: www.fertilityfriend.com... it's the main page. I just didn't think you needed to share my chart with her. Sorry."

And he sent this back to me:

""but I'm not really comfortable with that... (given how I feel about you and she) sorry - just my view."
I sent her the main link....let's drop this ..it pisses me off..."

And I haven't talked to him since. Am I wrong in feeling like this?? And, of course this just had to happen on Valentine's Day. Not that I'm surprised. At any rate, we haven't talked since 10am this morning, and since I don't feel like I did anything wrong, I'm not planning on mending fences. SO THERE!

Bah Valentine's!!!

2005-02-14T05:51:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Valentine's Day today... just another day in my book. DH swears he is romantic, but I haven't seen it, nor do I expect to. I bought him a card and gave it to him over the weekend, thinking that that might spur him to do something nice today, but I'm sure it won't. I'm not even holding out hope, as all that does is bring me down when nothing happens. And, since I've been so weepy lately, I don't need anything that's going to bring me down.

We did have a very nice weekend - all I did was laundry and cook a few times. It was heaven after the last couple months of non-stop basement, vacation, and the Super Bowl party.

I have my first appointment with my new doctor tomorrow. I'm trying not to be too nervous about it. Even though I have been having m/s during the week, I still feel like there's a chance I'm not really pg anymore. I guess until I feel her move, I'll feel like that. Today is week 7, day 2. Today is also the day that I tell my boss.

I shouldn't feel so down today, but I do. I feel nauseous, but nothing sounds good to eat to get rid of it. I force myself to eat, but 30 minutes later, I feel sick again. I shouldn't complain - there are women out there who would kill to be in my shoes, but I feel so awful. I can't take time off because I need to save that time for after I've given birth. Wha, wha, wha!

Anyway, wish me luck on the appointment tomorrow. (Really, just for the blood drawing portion.)

I feel so bad!

2005-02-10T05:40:00.000-08:00

I'm so sad for all my friends on the TTC board who haven't gotten their BFP's yet. As I sit here, I can list an entire room full of women who I know to be deserving of having a child (or another child, as the case may be), but they have not yet been blessed with a BFP. These ladies are my friends, and I want to continue to chat with them, but on the other hand, I feel like I'm rubbing it in their faces when I post, when my signature has in big bold letters "We Did It!!". I know they would tell me that it doesn't bother them, but I used to be one of those women, and I know that there are days that it most certainly does bother people. I hate that feeling. If I could, I would make them all pg right now and have them graduate with me on the Oct. board. Thinking about how the whole TTC thing is such a battle makes me so very sad. Why can't it be easy for the people who truly deserve it?

Morning Sickness

2005-02-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

I ended my last blog sort of down on DH, so I had better make up for it, huh? :-P Actually, he and I talked last night about the issues I had had at Super Bowl, and he apologized for not realizing I needed him to check on me and also the poker party, and I apologized for not telling him what I need. I DO understand he's not a mind reader, even though I feel like he should be one. LOL!

Now, about this m/s business! This is awful!!! I wake up feeling somewhat ok, but by 7 am, I have this disgusting dirty metal taste in my mouth that won't go away. I have my cream of wheat, hoping that will help, but it doesn't. I chew gum - that only maked the gum taste like dirty metal. I ate my lunch at 10:30 (because I was starving), so now I have nothing to eat for lunch when I do get hungry. Though, with this taste in my mouth, it would be a wonder if I decided to ever get hungry again!

I've been queasy off and on, but today's been the worst day so far. For a good two hours, I felt like at any time I could hurl right then and there. That makes work fun, let me tell you!

I see the doctor a week from today, so hopefully having this m/s is a good sign that the baby is growing!

Emotional mess

2005-02-07T07:05:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged! Sorry about that! Things have been hectic... let me get you caught up.

The basement sort of took over our lives since DH decided he wanted to throw a Super Bowl party. The end of January was spent painting, triming, cutting in, touching up and basically doing anything we could to get the painting finished before tile and carpet were put down. Then, the tile was laid, but our carpet wouldn't be in until the week before the Super Bowl. So we had to pray that it would come in on time! (It did.)

Also, the last week of January was our belated honeymoon to the Bahamas, so we also had to prepare for that. That was a lot of fun and very relaxing. And we got the best news ever on the second day of the cruise - we found out we were expecting!!

So, amid doctor appointments and getting the carpet laid, and finalizing the Super Bowl party plans, we've been cautiously expecting.

I am now 6 weeks along, and last week I was having some mild nausea, but yesterday, I had almost none, and same with today, so now I have an irrational fear that my baby isn't growing and I'll m/c.

Along with that fear and all the others that come along when having a baby, it seems that DH is sick or something. He's been wheezing, his blood pressure is up, and his pulse rate is really high. It seems to be triggered somewhat by salt, but we're not sure what's causing this. I finally got him to go see a doctor (today) but I had to beg and cry and plead before he would agree.

Then, last night was the super bowl party. The basement was finished, and looked great - we got many compliments on it. But his friends were all downstairs, and mine were all upstairs, so I couldn't enjoy the basement. :( Not only that, but DH didn't check on me once. For a newly pregnant woman, that kind of hurt. I was running around upstairs, taking out the garbage, making sure the kids were playing nice on the X-Box, making sure people had drinks, running the pool, etc., and not once did he check on me and remind me to take it easy. Instead, one of my co-workers kept an eye on me. (Which was really very sweet, and I appreciated it more than she could know.) My friends and I had a great time upstairs, but it would have been nice had we all been able to be together.

The other thing that bothered me last night was the fact that after the game was over, people were leaving, except for DH's group of poker buddies. They wanted to continue to play. Well, it was a Sunday night, and both DH and I had to work early this morning. I told DH that he needed to tell his buddies that, but he told me, "I'm not going to ask my friends to leave. That's just rude." I told him that if it were a weekend night, I would have no problem with it, but it was a Sunday night, so there was no excuse. (Plus, I'm a newly pregnant woman who needed her sleep!!! But, he doesn't remember things like that.) He ended up playing cards with them until 12:30 or so, and kept me awake, since we don't have insulated ceilings in the basement. I was so mad! Then he acts like there's nothing wrong with what happened. I swear, there are sometimes when I wonder if I did the right thing marrying this man!!! It's always the small simple things that he can't understand why I might be saying what I'm saying. MEN!!!

Anyway, it's over and done with, but if this lack of concern attitude keeps up, we're going to have problems.

What a whirlwind it's been!

2005-01-11T04:53:00.000-08:00

Between painting the basement, doing the normal household chores, getting ready for our cruise, and work, I'm wiped out!!!

I've been slacking in updating the reasons why I love DH, so I need to try to catch up. Unfortunately, due to the basement taking all our time, I have mostly that to talk about. That being said, I'll say this:

Jan. 5: DH and I were able to paint together without getting in an argument.
Jan. 6: DH complimented me on the cream color I chose for the main color.
Jan. 7: DH complimented me on how well I painted the cream walls, and how well I had taped.
Jan. 8: DH and I spent all day painting the red colored walls - and after much criticisim and allowing it to dry, he now loves the color I chose! (That's a relief!)
Jan. 9: A nice relaxing day. DH reiterated how much he appreciates the fact that I helped with the painting.
Jan. 10: DH told me how much he appreciated me getting into the painting and not letting it be an issue between us.

I'll be soooo happy when this basement is finally finished!!

On other news, one of my good chat friends found she was pg!!! YIPPEE!!! I'm so happy for her, I can hardly stand it. Now, if me and my twin can just get those BFP's, everything will be alright with the world.

Happy Day!

The Basement is getting there...

2005-01-05T04:52:00.000-08:00

Whew! After a workout yesterday after work, I expected to go home and have to paint for hours, but instead, I found that DH had taken a half day and he had primed everything except for 3 walls!! :-) So, instead of having to paint last night, we got to go to dinner, :) and then I went to bed with a headache. :(

Jan. 4: DH primed all the walls and ceiling except for 3.

Happy Day!

A new year - not so new frustrations

2005-01-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

On a good note, my entry for DH's notes is this:
Jan. 3: We BD'd even though he didn't feel like it. And afterwards, he fell asleep on my shoulder.

On a frustration note:
I think I've been raised to have good, strong values in how to treat people. Unfortunately, I don't see that everyone has been taught the same way. Today, I had to turn the other cheek - TWICE! And that was only by 8 in the morning!!!

About 2 months ago, I had asked a co-worker to test a program that I had made complex changes to. She said she would. I had asked her because she is considered the "go-to" person for that particular transaction. Three weeks later, when I hadn't heard from her, I wrote and asked if she had tested it. (Mind you, this "testing" would have taken less than 5 minutes to complete; I just didn't know how to do it. I had asked that she show me how to test if she was busy, but she said she would make time to test.) She said still hadn't found the time. Well, it was coming down to the wire where my user wanted to see the changes, so I went to my boss and said that I wasn't getting help on testing and was there something he could help me with. He asked me to give it to our QA dept, and they would test. (This is now 4-5 weeks after I had been working on the change.) The next thing I knew, my co-worker came up to me with a single sheet of paper in her hand and told me my changes weren't working. She said she took out my changes and then everything worked fine. Then she walked away.

I was in the middle of other issues at that point, since it had been so long, so I hadn't had time to get back to it. I asked my boss if he had heard anything from QA and he hadn't, so a week later, I wrote them and asked how the testing was going. They wrote me saying that they weren't testing it, since my co-worker called and told them not to and that she was working on some changes. My CW (co-worker) didn't bother to tell me this. Then this morning, the CW comes in and writes an email to QA saying she didn't know why I would ask the QA where the testing was since she had already told me that there were problems with it.

I know this doesn't sound bad at all, but it was the wording in the emails, and the fact that she doesn't bother coming to me directly (when I sit across the wall from her). She instead goes above my head and then tries to play miss innocent when in truth, she was the one who dropped the ball. Twice today I've gotten some nasty emails from her where she points fingers instead of trying to help the situation.

Why can't everyone treat everyone else with respect? Is that too much to ask for in this world??

A new year, a new beginning...

2005-01-03T05:05:00.000-08:00

I've decided that every day this year, I will pick out something nice that my DH does that reminds me why I fell in love with him and write it down. Once the year is over, I will compile all of the "entries" and give it to my DH. This way, I will remember why each and every day is so precious with him.

Jan. 1: He was running our taxes through Turbo Tax to make sure we were "on target". Just something else he does that takes the burden off me.

Jan. 2: Went with me to dinner with my dad, brother, stepmom and stepsisters, even though I'm sure he was tired. Afterwards, he commented on how much fun it was, and he was glad he went.

I hope everyone has a wonderful start to the new year and all your resolutions are met!

Happy Day!

Almost a New Year...

2004-12-28T05:25:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhh, Christmas is over! Actually, I enjoyed my Christmas holiday more than I thought I would, and that includes the visit to see my sister. While we're not close by any means, we are able to just 'be', and for two days, it wasn't bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. But, seeing my beautiful 9-month-old niece, Catherine, was a delight and it was worth driving up to WI for that. My sister let me babysit her and she's a doll. I love that child!!

The rest of my Christmas back here at home passed uneventful, though we did go see my grandfather, who is in an assisted living home. He was in very good spirits, and was very talkative, so that was nice. However, he has a broken rib, so every time he coughed, he winced, and that in turn made me want to cry. He looks so small and frail - not the intimidating figure that I remember when I was growing up. Seeing that made me decide on one of my New Year's resolutions. I will see him at least once a month - and will try to get stories or questions that I have for him answered so I can pass on his memory to my own children (when/if I have them).

So, onto the rest of my New Year's resolutions. My DH and I have a tradition to make 5 resolutions a year, and this year, we are doing something different: I will create one resolution for him and he will do the same for me. He hasn't told me mine yet, so here are mine so far:

1) See my Grandfather at least once a month (if not every week) to get stories, questions answered, visit, etc.

2) Maintain my weight between 115-125. (It's not there yet, so first we have to bring it down to that level! Oh, and that doesn't count pregnancy weight.)

3) End the year with no credit card debt, while saving money throughout the year.

4) To have a healthy baby.

Obvioulsy, these may change in the next week, but that's what I've come up with so far. I invite you to come up with your own list of resolutions to try to stick with throughout the year. Just remember to try to make them attainable so you are not discouraged!!

Happy Day!

2 more days!

2004-12-22T05:15:00.000-08:00

Actually, for me, Christmas starts tomorrow, giving gifts to my sister, her husband and their baby. (Along with my mom, her boyfriend, my brother and my husband.) I can't wait for my sister to open her baby's stocking that I needlepointed for her. I know I won't get the reaction that I want, but I know she'll be pleased with it. And I'm also happy for her to open the blanket that I made for Catherine. But the other present that I'm excited for someone to open is my mom's boyfriend. I got him what I think is just a really thoughtful gift. He loves to cook, so I got him a shitake mushroom log to grow his own mushrooms! I really hope he likes it.

Well, we leave this afternoon, right when the weathermen are telling us it's going to start snowing. However, we are going north and the band of snow seems to be in the south, so I think we'll miss it. Yeah! We've rented a van and plan on taking off from our house as soon as we all get there - hopefully right around 4. And, my brother is going to drive the whole way, so DH and I can sit back and watch Christmas Vacation on the way there.

Happy Holidays to you and yours. I sincerely hope your holidays are wonderful.

Happy Day.

ACK!!! I got caught!!

2004-12-21T04:51:00.000-08:00

I must apologize for my rants in the last couple days or week... What can I say - PMS hits me hard!

Mary, if you're reading this, I'm sorry!! (And you are so invited to the other thread, too!) I wasn't trying to leave our core group, but as our group kept gaining people, I found it more and more tiring and hard to keep up, and it wasn't fun chatting anymore. So, I thought I would start a new thread. I didn't want to compete with our group, so I tried to "create" a group. However, it's really a TJ and me thread. LOL - she's the only one who writes on it on a consistent basis. =) Anyway, I missed you, and I'll try again on the old thread and see how I do, ok?

Well, last night, there was a present under the tree for me... from Santa. After I was getting the presents together for my trip to WI, DH asked if I would open it. I told him no, that I wanted something to open on Christmas. He said that if I opened it, he would go out and get me more. LOL - he's too cute. (And I'm sorry for every stinking thing I've ever said about him!) Anyway, I opened it and it was a webcam!! I was so happy! I had casually mentioned I would like one when I was chatting with one of my girls (my twin, actually), and he remembered! That made my Christmas.

Oh, and get this - I asked that DH make one of his resolutions be to show his romantic side more often (since I've never seen it, and he swears he has one) and he said ok. =)

I think I'll be able to get through this trip to WI now... even if AF is visiting me. Having DH with me will make it ok.

Happy Day.

Merry Christmas

2004-12-20T05:29:00.000-08:00

You have to understand something about me - I love to give. I love to find presents that either mean something to the recipient or that have shown that I thought about them. But, on the flip-side, I too enjoy receiving. I like to receive gifts from my DH, for instance, to see if he knows anything about what I like. I know, it's bad, but since he claims he's romantic, and has yet to show it to me, I like to see if he'll 'wow' me. Well, this year, I have done ALL the shopping - for everyone - his family and mine. So, all he had to worry about was me. That's all... and let me tell you, I'm very easy to shop for. So, last night, he tells me that he hasn't bought me anything and since he doesn't feel like it, why don't he and I go shopping together after Christmas for me. How romantic is that? :-( So, not only do I get nothing to open this year, but I have to fight the crowds the day after if I want anything at all. But hey, I did get everyone else really great stuff, so at least I'll be able to watch the joy on their faces.

Happy? Holidays

2004-12-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

Ah, time for a rant...

While there is much I should and DO feel thankful for around this time of year, there is also plenty for which I am wallowing in self-pity.
At work, I am working on a project that without fail everyday, breaks. So I have to fix it everyday. This week alone, I have done re-writes on some of the procedures to try to help this process, but some of the problems are beyond my scope and beyond my control. I can not help if an FTP site is getting lots of traffic so it halts my program! Oh, and as I sit here writing this, I get a phone call about that process that something yesterday that I did didn't work AGAIN! This is so very frustrating... if I had time to give to this process, I would dedicate all my time to it, but I am expected to do other things, too. Apparently, I am not good at time management.

There's been a couple of major things bothering me lately, and for some reason, I can't seem to deal with them. The first is my weight. I have gained about 30 pounds in 6 months, and as much as I would like to drop the weight, I can't seem to. So then I'm in the horrible cycle of getting depressed, then eating, then getting depressed, then eating, etc. I can't seem to break out of it. The other lingering thing is my fear that my DH might not be able to get me pg. He says he'll go and get a SA, but when I bring it up, he says we'll wait awhile before doing it. Well, I'm not getting any younger, and I'd like to be able to have 2-3 children before I'm 35, so it's not like I can wait around forever... of course, it's not helping that we have only been BD'ing maybe three times a month, and they are never around my window, so I'm sure it's because of that. But that ties into my first problem... maybe he doesn't want to BD with me because I've gained so much weight. :(

All my life, the only thing I've wanted to be was a mother, and right now, it looks hopeless. Meanwhile, my sister is going to be popping out babies right and left until they can't afford anymore (or maybe even past that)!

I'm filled with so much dread about going to see my sister, I can't even begin to describe it. I'm so mad at her for being pregnant again while I'm not. I know how bad that sounds, and I'm sorry for it, but why are things so easy for some and so hard for others?

I've been on the message board Parenthood for quite some time, chatting with other women who are also TTC, and our message thread was so cozy with a core group of people. Recently, we've had an influx of newbies, which I don't mind at all, except that they are all in their young 20's. So, now I feel old. And, just a pet-peeve, but why is it that people can't type in complete sentences anymore? Using punctuation? And capital letters? Is it really that hard? I'm so tired of reading people's posts that have run-on sentences that are as long as regular paragraphs. Buy a comma or a period!!! And, now I act old, too!

Well, I should go and try to get somem actual work done. My user still hasn't called me back about the problem from yesterday - I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Happy day... (said the Grinch)

Ah... Prozac

2004-12-10T04:46:00.000-08:00

This is going to be rambling - just wanted to warn you up front. hehe

I started to take Prozac for my depression about 3 years ago and it really helped. At that time, I was in a job I hated, a marriage that was in trouble, and family matters weren't all that great. Almost a year ago, I decided on my own to stop taking it. I was feeling so much better... I had found a new job, I had gotten divorced and things were going great. Well, I think I've been in a downward spiral for those 12 months and I'm going back on it today.

My DH and I were supposed to get our pictures taken last night, but he called me when I was on my way home and told me he "didn't feel pretty" so I cancelled. I should mention that it was HIS idea to get these stupid things, so then I bent over backwards to get them scheduled so we could get the prints before Christmas, and then he cancels. Ugh!

He is on Atkins to lose weight right now, and while that's great for him, this seems to decrease his sex drive. Or maybe it's the fact that I've gained weight? One can never be sure. While the lack of sex drive wouldn't bother me all that much normally, it does now because we are TTC, and of course, you can't win if you don't play. So, basically, I temp every morning with no hope of getting pg this cycle.

To top it off, I had an on-going theme in my dreams last night: babies. I'm so sad that I haven't gotten pg yet. It doesn't surprise me, since I do know where babies come from, but still, I'm sad.

So, as you can see, I haven't taken my medication yet this morning. But I'm on my way to do so right after I post this. Hopefully, future posts won't be this dark.

Venting...

2004-12-08T19:11:00.000-08:00

On Nov. 19th, my sister's 29th birthday, I called her to wish her a Happy Birthday.

Background: she lives in Wisconsin, she's married, she converted to Catholisism to marry the guy, they've got a 9 month old daughter, and we were supposed to meet somewhere halfway between her and I for Christmas.

In our conversation, she told me that she had changed her mind and didn't want to meet halfway because it meant staying in a hotel over Christmas. When I told her that I thought the holidays were about being with family and not about where you are, she told me that she hadn't spent a holiday in a hotel yet and she wasn't about to. She said that the holidays meant having a religious feast (something I must not know anything about) and that she couldn't do that in a hotel. At any rate, she has decided that Christmas has to be at her place this year. I'm going, because like I said, holidays are about being with family, but I do not like the way she's acting, nor the fact that she is making more of us travel north than the three of them travel south...

My sister and I haven't been very close, and this is just driving a bigger wedge between us.

Welcome!

2004-12-08T07:45:00.000-08:00

I've decided to give this blog thing a try... There are many times when I wish I had a journal, but since I'm a computer programmer, I'm normally on here instead of writing with pen and paper. This is supposed to make things easier on me... we will see! :)

I guess I should tell you about myself: I'm 30 yrs. old, just got married this past August to a wonderful man who is 3 years my senior. This is a second marriage for me, a first for him. We have 2 cats, Koko and Bean. (And now you've seen a little glimpse of my humor... get it? Kokobean?) Koko is a mostly black cat with some white markings, and she got her name from the native american word for night. Bean got her name because of a play on words, and she wasn't yellow - otherwise her name would have been Butter.

We live in a 3 bedroom house, and we are in the process of finishing our basement. I mention this because it is a source of great pride for my husband, and great chaos for me. While I am happy we are finishing it, I'm terrified of a couple things: 1) the expense. I had no idea finishing a basement was so expensive! 2) My irrational fear that once it's finished, I'll never see my husband again!

Along with being a computer programmer during the day, I, like Supergirl, have a different job at night... I am also a Pampered Chef consultant. I like it, it's very rewarding, but it's also a lot of work. I love to cook, but the standing in front of people is a fear I'm still getting over.

Well, this is a start, and you'll get a lot more, so tune in later...

Happy Day!